My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize