i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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