I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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