My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
