I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
