i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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