My Higher Power is John Stamos
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
