ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
