A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
