I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
