Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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