Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
