my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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