Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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