Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
