turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My life is pants optional.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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