Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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