Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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