Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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