Pregnant stripper...not hot.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
