This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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