So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm passing your future prison.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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