when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
