is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
