Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
