Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
