The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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