DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I could fuck to npr.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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