Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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