Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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