Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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