I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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