He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
