ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
