saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
