Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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