Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
