Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
