I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
