woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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