Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
