I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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