shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
