saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
