you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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