I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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