I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
