I can tuck mytits in my pants
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
