Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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