he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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