I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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