everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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