hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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