I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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