Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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