I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
