dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
