Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
