fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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