I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
